Attorney
It’s normal for your child to need you less as they get older. As they grow and change, it’s healthy for them to push boundaries and seek autonomy. The challenge is knowing when their refusal to spend time with you (or their other parent) is par for the course, and when it’s a red flag.
As a seasoned family law attorney, Bob Matteucci can help you walk the line between “kids will be kids” and taking action because something is clearly wrong. He and the rest of the Matteucci Family Law team have advised many parents in the Albuquerque area about what their options are when their child is refusing to follow a court-ordered visitation schedule.
Understanding Why Children Refuse Visitation
From a developmental standpoint, it is normal for children (especially tweens and teens) to seek independence. As children mature, they:
- Want more control over their schedules
- Become more interested in spending time with their peers than their parents
- Push back against structure they didn’t choose
- Begin forming their own opinions about family dynamics
Oftentimes, when a child says they don’t want to do a scheduled visitation, they aren’t actually rejecting the parent they are refusing to see, they are simply acting in a developmentally appropriate manner.
It feels like a knife to the gut when your kid says they don’t want to spend time with you, but as a parent, it is up to you (and your co-parent if you have joint legal custody) to calmly guide your child through this phase of their life. Whether that means you and your child’s other parent modify your child custody agreement, or you have a frank conversation with your child about doing things you are obligated to do even when you don’t want to do them, depends on what you feel is best for your family.
The only option not on the table is sitting back and letting your kid call all the shots. While New Mexico law does take a child’s wishes into consideration when making custody decisions, a child does not have the legal authority to unilaterally decide not to follow a court-ordered visitation schedule, even if their dislike of the current routine is valid.
When Resistance Is a Red Flag
There’s also another big reason parents can’t take a hands-off approach when their child expresses dissatisfaction with the current visitation schedule: domestic abuse.
Some behaviors that look like a child is just testing their boundaries are actually signs that something much more serious is going on. Things like:
- Fear, guilt, or anxiety around seeing the other parent.
- Worrying something bad will happen if they don’t follow the schedule.
- Sudden or extreme resistance to the typical visitation schedule without a clear explanation.
- Explanations that sound like your ex or another adult they look up to is trying to influence their decision-making.
- Statements like “I don’t want to go, but if I don’t it will hurt Mom/Dad.” This can indicate the other parent is putting unfair pressure on them.
These behaviors may indicate your child is suffering some sort of psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. This is something that happens to far too many children, regardless of the age, sex, marital status, or income of the people involved. Attorney Bob Matteucci can help you take swift action to protect your child if you suspect they are being abused.
Heading to Court is Not the First Step
Most parents are understandably upset when their child opts out of spending time with them. But it is important not to overreact.
First of all, don’t assume abuse is likely or demand to go to court and get your time back. Instead:
- Have calm, private conversations with your child about their feelings
- Ask open-ended questions that allow them to explain what’s going on
- Don’t try to force them to act a certain way
- Reassure your child they are not in trouble for having an opinion about the way they should lead their life.
Children need to believe it is safe to share their thoughts with you before they are willing to do so. Pressuring them or letting them see that you are panicking will often make them clam up.
Next, start keeping track of how much time with your child you are missing out on, and the steps you take to make up for it or encourage different behavior.
Keeping a record of exactly what your child is saying in order to get out of visiting you can also be useful. This can help you decide if what is going on is some sort of developmental phase or something you should investigate more closely.
If things don’t improve, or you are concerned your child is being abused, it is time to call for backup.
- Therapists, child counselors, or parenting coordinators can help you evaluate whether resistance is age-appropriate and identify steps you can take to improve your relationship with your child.
- An experienced family law attorney like Bob Matteucci can help you protect your child from abuse, ask the court to enforce your existing order, or figure out how to modify your child custody agreement to fit your family’s changing needs.
The goal of all of this should not be forcing your child to do something they don’t want to do, or protecting your ego. At the end of the day, it’s all about restoring stability and consistency for your child while upholding your parental rights.
Serving Families with Dignity & Compassion
Children grow by testing limits. Parents protect by providing boundaries. Court orders exist to support both. When handled thoughtfully, a child’s resistance to visitation can help the whole family start to figure out how to maintain their relationships in the face of change.
Attorney Bob Matteucci is here to help families in the Albuquerque area navigate this difficult stage while preserving both their child’s autonomy and their parental rights. Please contact him today to set up a meeting.