Staying together for the kids is still something some couples in the Albuquerque area do. But it is becoming increasingly common for couples to flip the script and instead get divorced for the kids. Parents who choose this path know their child deserves to see what it looks like to practice self-care, learn how to build a positive working relationship with someone you may disagree with, and move forward after a disappointment. From this point of view, the only “broken home” is one where everyone is unhappy, not one where the parents are divorced.
Attorney Bob Matteucci is a seasoned family law attorney who helps parents who are ready to take this approach to divorce navigate the family law system and build a co-parenting system that reflects the reality of their situation and allows everyone in the family to move forward with their lives.
Key Considerations in a Divorce with Children
There are a couple of issues that every couple with children must address during their divorce: child custody and child support. But there is so much more that goes into a thoughtful, well-intentioned divorce than figuring out who your kids are going to spend their summer vacations with and how much money one parent will be paying the other.
When you put the focus on your child’s well-being instead of doing the bare minimum to get your divorce approved by the judge, you build the foundation for a co-parenting relationship that helps your child thrive. This means also considering how to support your child emotionally as they adjust to the divorce, and considering whether an alternative method of divorce may be right for your family.
Negotiating a Child Custody Agreement
When you sit down with your child’s other parent or your lawyer to hash out your child custody agreement, the process can feel rigid and formulaic. Which is laughable considering how unpredictable parenting can be. So take a step back, take a deep breath, and focus on the fact that the conversation you are having isn’t really about checking boxes on a legal form, but ensuring your child is well-loved and supported by both parents.
In the legal world we call this the “best interests of the child” and under New Mexico law, the factors used to determine what that is are:
- the wishes of the child;
- the interaction and interrelationship of the child with his or her parents, siblings, and any other person who may significantly affect the child’s best interest;
- the child’s adjustment to his or her home, school, and community; and
- the mental and physical health of all individuals involved.
Weighing these factors determines which parent should be awarded primary physical custody, and how much time the other parent (often called the noncustodial parent) should be able to spend with them.
As you are figuring out how much time your child will spend with each parent, remember that even the most well-structured custody agreement is not as important as the attitude you bring to parenting. If you show your child that you genuinely want to be present in their life, they will cherish the time you spend together, regardless of the schedule.
And don’t forget that taking physical care of your child is only one part of the job. You will also share legal custody of your children. Legal custody is the authority to make important decisions concerning your child’s upbringing. It includes your right to have a say in your child’s religion, education, child care, recreational activities, and medical and dental care. Having legal custody grants you the right to participate in crucial aspects of their child’s life while ensuring you help shoulder the responsibility of raising them. Under New Mexico law, both parents are expected to share legal custody even if the physical custody arrangement favors one household over the other.
If all this seems daunting, just remember: your child’s happiness and security matter far more than any schedule. Focusing on their interests and your long-term goals can provide some much needed perspective when things get overwhelming. And when you need guidance, Attorney Bob Matteucci is here to help you navigate this process and create a custody agreement that works for your unique circumstances.
Drafting a Parenting Plan
Once a basic child custody agreement is struck, it is time to put the terms into writing and flesh out the details in a parenting plan. A parenting plan is a legal document that describes in detail how the child custody agreement will be implemented. It is the co-parenting roadmap that will control how different issues are addressed and how disputes are handled for the foreseeable future. Under New Mexico state law, a parenting plan must be in place before the court will finalize a couple’s divorce.
The parenting plan is required to include the nuts and bolts of physical custody agreement including how much time the child will spend at each parent’s home. But Attorney Matteucci also counsels parents to list holidays, summer vacations and other special events that may alter the typical schedule and explain where the child will be spending those times.
A typical parenting plan doesn’t really exist since each family must draft it to suit their unique needs, but there are a few topics New Mexico policymakers encourage all parents to cover:
- Statements regarding the child’s religion
- Educational plans
- Child care plans for children who are not in school yet/school break and after school care
- Information about the child’s recreational activities — what they are, who is paying for them, and who may attend things like sporting events and recitals
- Plans for the child’s medical and dental care, especially if the child has special needs
- Designation of specific decision-making responsibilities, which should include the ability to make decisions not anticipated by the parenting plan
- Methods of communicating information about the child
- Information on how the child will be transported between households
- Exchanging care for the child
- Preferences for maintaining telephone and mail contact between parent and child
- Procedures for future decision-making, including procedures for dispute resolution; and
- Other statements regarding the welfare of the child or statements designed to clarify and facilitate parenting under joint custody arrangements.
Whether this list seems overwhelming, or you find it missing topics you know your parenting plan needs to cover, you should keep in mind the main objective is ensuring you and your former partner can give your child the love and support they need.
Child Support in New Mexico
Being a parent involves supporting your child in many different ways, and one of them is financially. Whether they are staying at your home or their other parent’s, you share the responsibility for ensuring they have a safe place to live, food in their belly, and clothes on their back. Some would add to this the chance to participate in enriching experiences like travel or extracurricular activities and the opportunity to get some sort of post-secondary education.
In New Mexico, child support payments are calculated by inputting information about you, your former partner, and your child (or children) into a worksheet, and seeing what number it spits out. Attorney Bob Matteucci can guide you through this process to ensure the math is done properly, and your children get the funds they need
Supporting Your Children Emotionally
Whether your child is a toddler or a teen, they need your love and support during and after the divorce process. What that looks like will obviously vary, but here are a few tips for tackling this challenging task:
- Focus on the future. Tell your kids what is happening now, and what you know will happen in the near future. Don’t dwell on the past, or try to predict the future.
- Only give them the details they need. Your kids don’t need to know the nitty-gritty details of why your relationship with their other parent failed. Be extra careful not to place blame for the relationship’s end on your former partner.
- Reassure your children that they are loved and that the separation or divorce is not their fault.
- Be patient. You have had time to accept the fact that your relationship with your child’s other parent is ending. Your kids may have known something was going on, but the separation will likely shock them. Give them time to adjust and grieve their former family life.
- Seek professional help if needed. If it seems like your child is struggling to adapt to their new family life, you may want to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.
It is important to remember that every child is different and will react to divorce in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it, but following these tips can help make the process a little easier for everyone involved.
Choosing a Divorce Process That’s Right for Your Family
The vast majority of couples getting divorced in the Albuquerque area have what a lot of people refer to an “uncontested” divorce. However, the term uncontested does not appear in the New Mexico state statutes. It is more of a state of mind. It is the decision to resolve your differences outside of the courtroom then ask a judge to legally bless your paperwork instead of airing your dirty laundry in public.
There are several different paths you can take to get to the point where you are ready to file your case and get a court to sign off on it. Here are a few that work well if the main point of contention or focus of the divorce is the welfare of your children:
- Settlement Facilitation – In a settlement facilitation, a neutral third party (usually a retired judge) will work with you, your former partner, and your lawyers to negotiate a settlement. The facilitator doesn’t decide who is right and who is wrong like a judge would but instead helps push you towards an agreement. How this usually works is you and your former partner will set up camp in separate conference rooms. The facilitator will go from one room to the other to talk with both sides and understand the issues. Then, the facilitator will propose a solution that appeals to both sides.
- Mediated Divorce – Mediation is similar to settlement facilitation, in that a neutral third party works towards steering both sides to a mutually acceptable resolution. Couples who generally agree with one another can decide to work with a mediator instead of hiring separate attorneys to handle their divorce. The mediator helps the couple work together to resolve their disagreements, then drafts all the paperwork necessary to formalize the divorce. Attorney Bob Matteucci can serve as either the mediator hired by both parties or the attorney advocating for one side in these cases.
- Collaborative Divorce – Couples in the Albuquerque area who still trust and respect one another, but no longer want to be married to each other, are increasingly opting for collaborative divorces. Attorney Bob Matteucci is one of a handful of lawyers in New Mexico who are certified to guide couples through this process, which brings professionals like financial planners and counselors to the negotiating table.
What each of these has in common is a divorcing couple that wants to find a solution and move forward instead of fighting with one another.
Serving Families with Dignity & Compassion
Going through a divorce is never easy, but when children are involved, the stakes are even higher. You do not have to carry the burden of ensuring the physical, emotional, and psychological well-being of your children alone. Attorney Bob Matteucci is here to provide compassionate counsel that helps you navigate the complexities of divorce with your children’s best interests in mind.
His goal is to empower you to make decisions that will minimize stress and disruption for your children while also protecting your family’s future. From co-parenting strategies to custody arrangements, Bob will be with you every step of the way, ensuring that your children’s needs remain at the forefront of the process. Please contact Matteucci Family Law today to set up a meeting and discuss your case.